Last night my daughter and I saw a movie that like many movies was all about love. This is not a movie review, of Million Dollar Arm. though we both really enjoyed the movie, it is a reflection inspired by it. I love a movie in which the characters evolve and grow, become better people, and realize what’s really important to them. JB is not a bad guy, just a guy chasing the right thing the wrong way. It takes him a long time to realize that love is the key to getting what he’s chasing. This isn’t much of a spoiler, it is pretty clear from the start…
Love is something so many of us struggle with. Love and it’s partner vulnerability, are what often stand in the way of finding and creating love in our own lives. I know they are for me. Throughout my life I’ve experienced so many relationships in which I loved and was not loved back. The two longest relationships of my life were with people who loved me, while I was ambivalent. In both cases I was tired of being alone, tired of pining for someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t return my ardor. I knew I was taking the role of all those lovers who hadn’t fully been there for me, and though I thought that was a preferable situation, I was terribly wrong. Of course both ended badly.
Now again I am alone. I have been alone for longer than I care to admit even to myself. I have my daughter (half the time) and so my life is filled with love, and yet with no partner, no romance, no kisses, I am deeply alone. Besides sex, which of course I want, I long for someone to talk to late at night, someone to help me fix things around the house, and in my head, I want another opinion about the color of the deck, if I’m overreacting, or if I look pretty. I want company and intimacy and private jokes and petty annoyances and someone to hold my hand during the scary parts of the movie, or life. I want love.
Finding love is tough under the best of circumstances, and by circumstances I mean if you’re beautiful and thin. I am neither, and though I could be thinner (theoretically) I have tried to be thinner for almost my entire life, without much success. I saw a video yesterday in which a woman described her body as soft and luscious, and I wept. Could someone ever see me that way, and even more important, could I ever see myself that way? Would someone really see me, and love me if I could really see and love myself? Talk about vulnerability!
It amazes me that I understand that it’s all about love. That letting go of most of the other things we chase, and embracing ourselves, and others is the path to everything else we want. And yet I hold back, hoping love will come to me, not willing to risk going out and finding it.